Saturday new doubts danced into my mind through a series of questions Pam posed: “Do you see these new circumstances as God perhaps shutting this door for you?” and, “How long will you hold out? When do you make a decision one way or the other?”
At her first question I shuddered. I was pretty sure my feet were still meant to be on the Iraq-ward Path God has been two years paving for them. Inwardly I stared down the challenge to reopen the scrutinzation of this Path. Reevaluation stared back at me, a blank stare. It was through a long, dark tunnel, same as this vacuum of Unknowing I’ve been living in since August 6th. The vacuum increasingly has become a black hole, sucking my motivation, strength, and compass into its vortex of nothingness. A closing door?
No. I averted my gaze.
I will not look down that Gideon-tunnel. I need no further confirmation. I remember the manna along this wilderness path, God keeping me alive, directing and re-directing my motions and my affections on the way. I’m staying the course. Now is not the time to re-evaluate.
This private conversation with myself over, my audible response to Pam is a meer, "Ummm..."
But the second question? Meriting a reply, “I'll hold out until my financial situation requires action,” jumped from my lips. That would certainly be a clear sign: if I was unable to continue to wait without employment then perhaps God was indeed long-term delaying Iraq Plans.
Sunday my parents conferenced with me. An honest assessment of my bank account, my personal savings slowly disappearing, prompted part-time job applications Monday. The YMCA, Starbucks, substitute teaching for HSE- jobs within which I could easily give my two weeks when I got the Call.
My efforts Monday were very unproductive.
Tuesday. Bayside Church is teaching through a series on the Minor Prophets. For an hour I listen to Pastor Curt Harlow’s sermon from Habakkuk
http://www.baysideonline.com/weekend/curt-harlow-habakkuk/ The prophet's words sound like my own:
“God, how long do I have to cry out for help before you listen? How many times do I have to yell, “Help!...”?” This mouth-for-God man, Habakkuk, whose name means ‘embrace,' writes a book about waiting: Embrace the waiting. Know that God is not ignoring your questions as you wait.
Two weeks, six days. Waiting in this Nothing vacuum. Not knowing for what I wait, nor for how long. Learning to name the Nothing a God gift and to give thanks.
A beautiful song of Steadfast Resolve from the Prophet and Poet, Embrace-Waiting author:
(For the Director of Music. On my stringed instruments) ‘Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, He enables me to tread on the heights.’
With this song Habakkuk concludes his book. With this sermon God has renamed the Nothing I hold: Wait. I wrap myself around it, embrace this Wait gift.
In my hands, God transforms the gift with alarming speed. Forty-five minutes from the waiting sermon and song, phone startles me from my errands. It is the Call: “Our national partners have traveled to Dohuk. They’ve assessed the conditions there and say it’s safe for our return. School is scheduled to commence on time and we want you there in the next two weeks!” John renames the gift. Now it is Prepare.
It is Wednesday and in one Wednesday I will away for the Thing for which I've waited. What form then shall the God gift take? What new name shall my hands embrace?
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