An Open Door

A few weeks ago I was challenged by a conversation with a new friend. I was describing to her how my life felt like I was pinned up against a wall, suffocating, with no direction and no end in sight. I didn’t even know what to pray. Jen counseled me to start asking God for an open door. So I did.

Very shortly thereafter I received a phone call. An answer!

Back in February I when had been home from Haiti for about a month a good friend spoke into my life. She said she was seeing things in my life which she felt God was pressing upon her heart she needed to talk to me about. I’ve struggled (Ha ha ha! What a mild word. “Been engulfed by” is a more fitting description.) with an eating disorder since I was a teenager but I thought I’d had victory over it last year before I left for Haiti. Apparently, I was wrong; coming home from Haiti that became very evident. My friend felt strongly that I should admit myself into a residential treatment center to get help.

So we researched my options and pursued several paths but all paths became blocked except one. (And, boy, did that one drag on, and on, and on!) Six months later, I received my phone call! I had a move-in date! An open door!

On Wednesday, 18 August I am walking through that door. I will be living in a residential treatment center with 19 other girls who, like me, are there to work on an assortment of addictions, disorders, and issues! The program we are going through is called Vision of Hope. It is a ministry of Faith Baptist Church of Lafayette, IN.

How long will I be there? As long as it takes. (The staff says anywhere from 6-12 months.) Initially, the program is very restrictive so forgive me for not returning emails and phone calls. I will be allowed one personal phone call a week and you can bet I’ll be using all 14 minutes to talk to my mamma (and Daddy, and Taba, and Drew)!!! I will have no internet. I think I will be allowed to send and receive real mail, though. If you write, I will certainly write back!

I need prayer for transparency. My heart is so deceitful and deceived that I myself am often unsure what to say and do and think. I need Jesus to shine His light on. I need grace to respond to Jesus as He continues to pursue me for a relationship. For the past ten + years of being a Christian, somehow I’ve been totally missing out on that. More than anything, I think I need to feel and become convinced of God's love.

The Beautiful Letdown album seems to be providing the soundtrack to this season of my life. In my preparation, as I vacillate between pure excitement and sheer terror, the chorus of this song repeats itself in my mind…

When everything inside me looks like everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take

And I'm on fire when You're near me
I'm on fire when You speak
I'm on fire burning out these mysteries

I'm standing on the edge of me
I'm standing at the edge of everything I've never been before And I've been standing on the edge of me, standing on the edge


Thank You, God, for good friends! and for the Journey You’ve promised to lead me safely on, as long as it takes.